If you give a mom a cookie...

Ice cream is exquisite.  What a pity it isn't illegal.  

~Voltaire

Whipped cream isn't whipped cream at all unless it's been whipped with whips. Just as a poached egg isn't a poached egg unless it's been stolen from the woods in the dead of night!  

~Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I am having what my oldest little would call a "whiny butt" evening. All I want is to have the hubs home so that I might enjoy a quiet (quasi quiet) evening to myself. Perhaps a bath and a good book. A book? What's a book you mean something that doesn't contain picture, rhyme, pop-ups, and lasts longer than ten pages. I've never heard of such a thing. Anyways I am just a tad worn but marching on day by day.

So I was pretty down yesterday evening and no matter how much I told myself that I was glad I was me. I still wanted something to sweeten that deal. Something sugary, something delectable and for those of us on a diet... forbidden. 

I have found that with eating right when the urge to indulge comes it is not a soft whimper. It is instead a symphony of desire, a rapture of temptation that will not shut up until fulfilled. That was the case last evening. I usually try to be good and have a cup of hot cocoa with a little reddi-whip. Well that was not going to do the trick. So I looked in my pantry to see what was on hand. Well nothing ready. I muttered an obscenity and called myself a one of those health nut bitches. Until I saw sulking in the back of the cupboard. All alone and as if calling me to show it some love, a little bag of butterscotch chip. "Hello" I cooed and cradled it as I walked it into the kitchen and thought how best to use my new found treasure. I am proud to say that I didn't just hoover the chips on there own. No, I had some restraint. I was going to treat this prize like a lady and show a little finesse.

So I made cookies, not just any cookies I made my grandmothers oatmeal cookies. Which my hubs so lovingly calls "Crack" cookies. Since once you eat one you usually don't stop until you wake up the next morning not knowing where you are. All you know is that you just gotta get your next fix. So as I waited for the little morsels to bake I consciously tried to talk myself out of eating them, "Don't do it", "You are going to undo all your hard work", "You can give these away instead of eating them". Well I pretty much told my conscious to go fuck his Jiminy Cricket self and I was gonna eat some damn cookies!!!  No, not my proudest moment. 

Well it happened just like I knew it would. I ate more than the recommended amount and the inevitable happened. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had had a one night stand with Jabba the Hut. Yep, I hated myself just a little bit more. Telling myself "I am glad to be me" is a little hard through gritted teeth. Especially trying to mean it. Not to mention that after I said it I felt like I got punched in the guts. 

So I slipped a little, but I am owning up to it. The thing is I know it won't be the last time either. I am an emotional eater and when I am feeling down a little sweet snack gives me this blanket of comfort that I don't get while I am on my own. So no I am not proud of this misstep but I won't punish myself for it either. I have my new "Ripped" class to do that. 

 

Rays of sunshine are flying out of my butt!

Discipline is remembering what you want.  

~David Campbell

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day your life really begins.  

~Bob Moawad

So I am obsessed OBSESSED with this new show I discovered by accident on OWN. It is called "Supersized Vs. Superskinny" well the premise is this. You take a dangerously thin person and a dangerously large person and swap their diets for a week. The whole process is overseen by a doctor so that no real harm besides some rumbly tummies will occur. Sound simple? Not when you actually see how little or how much these people are eating! For example on last nights episode it was Charlotte vs. Heather. Charlotte a skimpy eight-seven pound waif was eating only eight hundred calories a day, while her counterpart Heather who is weighing in at two hundred and eighty pounds is eating forty-one hundred calories a day! Now imagine having to switch and stick to that diet for a week. Well that is what the show is trying to do, show the bag o' bones that eating more won't hurt them and showing the orca that eating less won't kill them either. So after doing the diet for a week the two opposites part ways with healthy eating plans and meet again in three months to see how much the new lifestyle has changed them.

I think what I love the most is how tortured each side seems during the week on the swapped diet. The scarecrows are gagging and feeling ill trying to accommodate the vast quantities of food. While the tubbos are thinking about eating the person across the table since they are actually learning what hunger is. Not to mention that the show is broken up (in true British fashion) with shows within shows exploring other facets of diets and exercise trends.

So why am I rambling on and on about a silly show. Well my friends I have gained some perspective. No one is truly happy with their body no matter what. Even if you are skinny as can be or larger than life there is something that irks you about yourself. This is so depressing! I am putting my foot down and going to attempt something every morning to do and I want all of you to do it too. Each morning when you first catch sight of yourself in the mirror, and I don't care if you feel gross, have greasy hair, mascara from yesterday, or are even rocking some death breath. I want you to look at yourself and say "I am glad I am me". Immediately following you can say fuck you amazing shrinking mommy but at least we are starting the day liking ourselves. It will be hard I know! There is nothing like waking up with spit up from a nighttime feeding on your shirt, my hair plastered to one side of my head and my boobs saluting my knees, but you know what I am glad I am me!

So I am going to do this everyday. Every single damn day until I believe it! I really want to set a positive example for my littles. Let's face it we are bringing up kids in a very self loathing society and it is up to us to change that! I know we cannot censor what our kids see but we can give them the best example ever! Parents that love themselves for every little flaw they have.

Sorry for the soap box post but my eyes were opened and I am going to really try and make myself my biggest fan.

I am glad to be me!

Stay optimistic!

We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking.  

~Steve Elbert

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.   

~Channing Pollock

OK confession time, I am at the point where I am becoming quite discouraged. I have been exercising regularly and eating healthy for about two months minus a week when the littles were sick. So I was hoping to see a little difference by now. I wasn't expecting much but I was hoping to notice a little something. So I am not weighing myself regularly since your weight can fluctuate so much but I do check in once in awhile. It is always first thing in the morning with nothing on. So I checked in this morning and was down all of six pounds. What the hell?

Now I am trying to tell myself that I am probably gaining muscle which weighs more than fat (blah blah blah), but lets be honest that is a hard pill to swallow. As for the eating I am eating a little all day but have to keep up my caloric intake since I am nursing. I drink at least sixty-four ounces of water a day along with milk and the occasional soda (diet caffeine free). I officially know where every clean bathroom is withing a twenty mile radius of my home. My snacks consist of granola, almonds or a small bowl of oatmeal. My actual meals are healthy and I am actually sticking to the portion size label on the box. Where am I going wrong?

I am working out five days a week an hour at a time. Alternating Zumba and Aerobic classes. Ugh I am just frustrated. I think I am on an anxiety roller coaster since I will be getting measured by my trainer on October ninth. I just want to see this flub diminishing. It is so hard when you are trying to do it the right way! I tell many of my other girlfriends that it takes time and all the results will come... When in my mind I am thinking hurry the FUCK up already!! I want to look hot when my hubby comes home! A bit hypocritical, no?

So I am going to trudge forward and continue to work my butt off (figuratively, and realistically) . So I am calling on my inner Braveheart to give me a heroic speech to rally my fluffy self to go on. Perhaps some blue war paint and a kilt are in order?

You can take my snacks but you can never take my PERSEVERANCE! 

I am also keeping my mind off the fact that dear Mel has gone out of his fruity mind and think about him when he was one of the few celebrities that seemed sane. Yes the shiny syndrome has struck again. So speaking of eating I am off to eat my delicious tuna salad (sans mayo) with celery. Jealous? I know you are...

and now for a little pick me up. Who can cheer you up better than Drag Queens? No one that's who.

Bring out your dead!

Physical ills are the taxes laid upon this wretched life; some are taxed higher, and some lower, but all pay something. 

~Lord Chesterfield

week 4: One step class and then the sickies arrived.

I apologize in advance for the lack of focus in this writing as I am streaming from a point of complete exhaustion. I have had the week from hell, and there was no hubs to be around to enjoy it with me. It was like the devil himself had me across his lap and was lashing my ass with a thick switch. Wow that sounded perverted but was not intended to be.

So the week started like any other I got the littles up and off to school and I was to the gym for my step class. I went to get the wee ones from child care when a feeling of dread washed over me. I saw it. The one thing that can turn any busy mommy white and send a shudder right down our spines. Oh the horror my daughter had a disgusting line of snot parading out her nose. Not the normal day to day mucus which we wipe and forget about. Oh no this was the kind you know means business with the worst kind of malice.  As soon as we got home I started to push the fluids and vitamins C, perhaps I could cut it off at the pass? It wasn't until I picked my eldest up from school that I realized a little black cloud had decided to nest over our house. 

Flash forward five days and we have all survived... mostly. The eldest got it first and was so kind to pass it to her siblings with lightening finesse. So after two trips to the doctor four nights of little to no sleep (for yours truly) and a countless amount of coughs and tears. We are still kicking. The baby is still getting over it but should be back to his happy drooling self in a day or two. I might take a week to get back up to speed.  Let's just say I was looking for encouragement from my Dove chocolate wrappers. 

"Be yourself and smile" FUCK YOU wrapper you don't know the week I had. Go shove your good will up your delicious ass! Whoops, sorry it has been one of those days. I am so apologetic to you sweet chocolate goodness. Take me back and I promise I won't be mean anymore... Yea its been bad.

So my journey of health was derailed this week and I was made aware of something. I really missed my gym time. I mean it too! I can't wait to get back into the swing and get my hour of "me" time back. I was so pleasantly surprised by this discovery. I am actually changing for the better!  So I am ending it there and hope to have better news for the week ahead!

Needless to say I fell back into the arms of my lover (couch) but we will be parting ways this week... Once again. It was probably him that sent this plague upon my house to have me running back to his squishy coziness. That vile, evil, plotting, deceiving piece of furniture. Davenport though art my foe!

It's not you... It's me.

 It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.  

~Mick Jagger

 Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.   

~Robert Orben

Week 2: 3 days of Zumba, 2 of Aerobics

After much mulled over and truly considered time I have come to the decision to leave you. We just are no longer compatible. You like to hang out and I now like to get out. You want to watch T.V. all day and I want to go places. I know, I know, we have had a great run. For so long we were there for each other. Me keeping you grounded and you supporting me.

We shared many lovely evenings cuddling and watching a movie. You gave me a place to cry, laugh or just be myself. You really are the best! You don't mind my kids jumping all over you or my dogs for that matter. You don't complain when the baby spit up on you even when you just got cleaned up. Ugh! this is so hard to do. You have been the one constant in my life for so long. You don't mind if I fall asleep on your arm nor do you mind if I just sit around and read a book. We have been such wonderful companions.

Though recently I have come to realize that our relationship is toxic. You don't want me to do anything with myself. You beckon me to you when you know I have other things I need to do. You are really holding me back! That is changing now. No longer will I let your soft sweet countenance hold sway over me. We are no longer going to be as into each other as we have been these past six years. No I can't let you hold that power over me for one second more.

So that's it. It is over between us.

I hope we can remain friends and hang out occasionally perhaps even take in a movie or casual dinner sometimes. No you won't be seeing as much of me as you usually do and trust me the separation hurts me to. Oh Gosh please don't whine just think of how much longer you will have to be around if I am not with you all the time. I can see my constant affection wearing on you. It just isn't good for us to keep seeing each other like this.

And what would my husband think if he knew how much time we are spending together? So part of me is doing this for him but mostly this is for me. You are not doing me any favors on this journey by just sitting there on your laurels.

So that's it I'm done, we are through, bon voyage, hasta luego, goodbye. 

Oh and quit your bitching I will vacuum the popcorn out of you next week. Damn couch always complaining about something...

That's right I just ended my six year affair with my couch. It has been a long time between us two. So if you could just give me a moment I am getting a little ferklempt.

I see London I see France...

When friends tell you how awesome you look, drop the "I still have more to go" crap.  You worked hard and you deserve the compliment!  

~Jillian Michaels

Day 10: Zumba (of the more intense variety... Ouch!)

So was the title of this blog a tease or did yet another embarrassing event happen at the gym? Actually it is a little of both dear reader. The good news is that I am seeing real results from my diet, the bad news is so did everyone else. To say that I was mortified would be a lie I have lost all decorum for myself after having kids. So a little mishap like this is just as common as walking around all day with spit-up on my shoulder (fellow moms help a mother out). 

So here is how it all went down. Tonights Zumba class is much more intense than the granny posse class. The music is Pumping, the bass is thudding and the lights are low. I was hoping to turn around and see a group of my girlfriends ready with drinks getting ready to do the alcohol rumba! Not the case sadly. However, the class was great! I was really having fun despite the sweat dripping off of me and my lungs heaving. It was just as I was getting into my groove and P!nk was raging with "U and Ur hand" when the unimaginable came to life. 

My pants hit the floor!  

My Granny panties in all their fuchsia glory were revealed to a full capacity class. Not to mention that I had taken my spot right in front of the trainer so I could see the footwork better. So in the reflection of this room full mirrors (just what you want to see when you are jiggling all over, is three or four more of you doing it also.) I was a bit gob smacked at first. What the hell just came to be? I hurriedly gathered my pants back to there original destination. I tried to get back into the routine so that maybe it would appear that the pants drop was part of that series of steps. Since I was already beet red from the exercise the incident must have caused me to turn some shade of purple. Seriously it was like it was in slow motion and somewhere on some computer screen John Madden was doing replay coverage. Covering my bottom half with arrows, X's, and O's.  Slightly smaller O's than before though.

Thankfully not too many of the fellow Zumba-nauts seem to have noticed and I went on with the class. I couldn't stop thinking that if I hadn't had children I would have run out of that class mortified and never returned. Since I have had children and situations where my breasts, butt, and underwear have been exposed (I am sure many of you can relate). This was just another day in my strangely sitcom like life. Two of the positives that I came up with were that:

A. I was wearing some of my full coverage nearly up to my neck underwear (Husband is away and comfort will reign).

B. This must mean that I have lost some girth! I bought these exercise pants two weeks ago and they were a bit tight when I first wore them. They were even freshly washed!

So I was positively beaming when these realization came to light. My pants fell down! That means I am getting smaller, that means this whole exercise crap is working! WOO HOO!!! I haven't been monitoring a number on a scale or anything. My trainer told me that with all the exercise I could actually gain weight at first. That is due to the shock to the sedentary body, it shuts down until activity becomes routine (your body gets used to it) then it becomes a fat burning power house (At least I hope it does). I also noticed that I was not feeling like I was at the brink of death in the middle of the class. My stamina is improving also, which is wonderful! 

So I am taking this mishap as a serendipitous event. My journey is beginning to bear fruit and showing forward progress. I am simply tickled pink by this (well and probably still a bit flushed from class). So speaking of P!nk...

I leave you with the song that got me so shook up that I decided to hail the moon... literally my moon. Any therapy that will be needed for the viewing of my larger than life panties can be forwarded to my e-mail. So that I can tell you to get over it.

 

Ridiculous is an understatement.

Every man is the builder of a Temple called his body, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead.  

~Henry David Thoreau

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.  

~Buddha

Day 7: Abs Blaster and Spinning... OI!

So I did it. I may not be able to walk tomorrow, but I did it! Did I do everything perfectly? Was I the fastest or the best?Oh hell no, but I did succeed in completing Abs Blaster and Spinning. Suffice to say that I will not be doing those classes again until I am a bit more skilled and fit. My trainer had the faith in me but my body says otherwise (My body says to flip her the bird next time I see her but I have better manners than that). I am very proud that I went through with the torture and didn't just hide from it. I feel pretty good in the esteem department but, let me tell you I am one hurting bundle of goo now! Not to mention the hour long shopping trip afterwards wearing my twenty-eight pound little on my back. Yes I am feeling a bit awesome this evening.

So speaking of grocery shopping. Now that I am eating healthier (I have always eaten healthy but now I am being diligent about it.) it is a conquest of strength. There is nothing like going down the cereal aisle (my weakness) and having Tony the tiger, Trix the rabbit and that damn leprechaun tempting you. Beckoning you to take them home for a sordid love affair in a bowl. Nope it was rice chex for this gal and I won't lie I died a little inside. You see when ones husband is gone for an extended period of time one finds other loves to fill that gaping hole in your... heart. My lover has always been that sexy little bowl of ice cream or that naughty little dish of sugary cereal after the kids are in bed. I kid you not Tony the tiger knows right how to get to this ladies sweet spot. 

Those days have gone now and I will be nibbling on carrots and granola (yay). Eating well can be very yummy but I need to find a way to spice it up. I need to find my groove with the healthy food business. So if any of you wonderful readers might pass your tastiest of tasty and epitome of healthy recipes I will be eternally grateful.  Also how do you stave off the desire to snack? I try to drink water but it is not a substitute for chocolate, and I doubt drinking Hershey's syrup would be all that friendly to the waistline. As delicious as it sounds.

So I am going to hobble myself to bed and leave you with this video that makes me laugh so hard I can't breath. I will be back at the gym tomorrow taking in some low impact aerobics... That is if I am able to move... Now where the hell did I put my walker?

Enjoy the video!