Battle!

The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy.
Friedrich Nietzsche 

So to start I love Thanksgiving. Not for the family time, the friendly gatherings, or the like. I am there for the food. The turkey, the stuffing, the mashed potatoes and my oh my the pie!!! Unhinging my jaw and like and anaconda with a goat I just swallow it down. Just typing about it is getting me all excited. A full day dedicated to food and lethargy! A whole twenty four glorious hours to stuff your gob and guess what? Everyone else is doing it too! BRILLIANT! It can get so fuzzy from sheer food mirth at times that you swear, at one point you may have stuck a straw in the gravy boat. Sheer bliss for this former fatty.

Okay, let's take a moment and calm down. Deep breaths, that is how I used to be. Lest we forget all the hard work we have been doing to fight these impulses. All the hours at the gym sweating, all those healthy meals we have eaten in the name of thin. Are we going to throw it all away in the name of gravy? 

As convincing an argument that gravy is I say "nay"! I am not going to give in to the temptation of gluttony. It is too easy and dang it I have the moxie to overcome it. I am rallying a battle cry against the bulge of holiday food. It will be a difficult battle as there will be several Benedict Arnold's to sabotage you. All the relatives offering more or saying how you are allowed to indulge.Go ahead and have some just not the preposterous amounts that we call thanksgiving portions. This is a great times to make sure you have a plan for the day. 

Do not starve all day so that you save your calories for dinner. It isn't good for anyone so don't do it. Try to keep your senses about you even with the heavenly aroma's of sage and cinnamon dancing upon your nose. Remember all the tips and tricks you have used to keep on the path. Thanksgiving is the head to head battle to test your skills. Be like Gandalf and scream at the second helping "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"!

One way that I am leading by example is that I am cooking the meal this year. Not only will I save calories from the recipes, but I will also get the benefit of cooking all day(Which is a workout in and of itself). I am also attending (co-teaching) a class in the morning called the "Butter Burn". So I am arming my arsenal the best I can. Remember that planning ahead is key. 

I in no way want to fall off the cart because of a turkey! That is ridiculous, and we would all feel silly for letting it happen. That is why we are meeting in the war room now to discuss strategy. What are your plans for success? How are you going to fight the battle of the bulge? We can do this!

So let's stand up as an army of health and say "NO" to the holiday poundage! As a consolidated force we can beat the holidays. Even coming out lighter and happier for the victory! Courage my friends the battle is just beginning...

Floor can't handle me now!

Leave all the afternoon for exercise and recreation, which are as necessary as reading. I will rather say more necessary because health is worth more than learning.

Thomas Jefferson 

So recently I added a little bling to my credentials. I was Zumba licensed recently! It was one of those big goals I had set for myself, way back in the deep pudge land. I will say though my love affair was not instant with this ass shaking enterprise. It was actually quite the opposite. 

My first Zumba class started with anxiety, nervous butterflies, and ultimately puking with a side of pants dropping. Oh yes, it was an affair to remember. There was no love lost between Zumba and myself.

I find many peoples first taste of this exercise (or any new endeavor actually) is much the same (minus streaking and regurgitation... I hope.). They don't like it. They walk in, find a spot in the back corner, watch as all the seasoned rump shakers move effortlessly through each song. While the newbies (myself) stumble and trip through the choreography. I have something to enlighten you about though. 

No one is watching you!

It was my own intense sense of vanity that everyone must be watching me make an ass of myself. My  self confidence was so low I really thought the whole class must be thinking; "Oh my gosh Becky look at her butt it is sooo big". Actually no, It was me judging me and no one else. Everyone was staring at themselves in the mirror and only a few times did the instructor come out to visit on the floor. Guess what? She told me I was doing great. WHAT? How could that be? Had she seen the pants incident? 

Nope she was glad I was there, and was happy I was moving. I get that now, but it took awhile. I learned to never judge the first class (any first class). Try it three times, because the second time you will remember a little music, the third time you might even get some of the choreography. Who cares if you do!  You are moving and sweating and having a good time. After that you may even (gasp!) enjoy it!  That is what Zumba is all about.

Zumba was like a fungus for me and grew and grew until I couldn't take a week without it. Now I find myself doing the salsa at the grocery store or playing zumba music in the car (shaking it as always, probably not safe while driving). 

So now I am an instructor, and couldn't be happier! The training was hard too! It was nine hours of intense booty busting, but I did it. I was among the first row folks. I can say too with a little pride I was slightly better than some.  I can't wait to start teaching classes and leading a room. Hopefully stirring someone like myself to keep going. 

It doesn't matter what exercise you find your passion in. Just find one, and you will be so much happier to have that relationship. Be it running, crossfit, step, or spin. Just find what makes you happy... Even if it isn't at first.

For every season.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Joan Rivers 

As I sit hear typing this. I have a tantrum-ing two year old at my feet. Angry with me because I didn't think his head butting game was very fun. That's right I am a mom too. Not the best I am afraid. As I often fantasize about sticking my young'ins to the wall with Velcro. Then happily (singing like snow white on crack) accessorizing their little mouths with shimmering silver duct tape. I don't though, instead I used to grab an unhealthy snack to tame my frustration. A little sugary morsel to console my stressed out self. So what do I do now that I am on the health wagon.

I DON'T KNOW?

That's right I am still figuring that out. I still hear my passionate pantry call my name. Ever persuading me to steal a shiny silver clad pop tart. Which are clearly labeled "Kids only". Then the little angel and devil show up to argue their sides. 

Devil: You're a kid at heart right, and anyways you exercised today. You totally have the calories to spare.

Angel: Hell no! You know right where those things will be marching. That's right! An army of cellulite marching straight to your thighs.

Devil: It's not going to kill your diet to splurge.

Angel: Douch-canoe, this is not a diet it is a life change!

While the battle in my head ensues, I am still sitting there like a drooling buffoon staring at the shelves of the pantry. When in another room, world war three has broken out over a cat toy (like the actual cat's toy). More times than not I close the door and walk away. I count to ten and try to resolve the battle du jour.

It is frustrating though! Having always turned to food in my time of need, breaking the cycle is ridiculously difficult. I want to nibble to feel better. 

Then on the opposite side is the guilt when you do eat the momentary joy-inducing toxin. "Why?" I could have had carrots, I wasn't really hungry... The cycle never ends and it is tortuous to be in the spiral. I am so tired of being a hypocrite to my life change. So what is one to do?

STOP... Cold turkey

I am challenging myself and you to STOP the ugly cycle of EAT and GUILT. 

So how do we do that? What are some of your tips you can share?

Bring it on we all wanna know!! 

Don't look back...

Starting over Day 1: A quick glimpse to the past.

1.

Feb. 2007 weight: 175 size: 12/14

(The thinnest I have ever been)

2.

Dec. 2010 (15wks pregnant...Sadly not really a baby belly)

The largest I have ever been.

weight: 302.6 size: 22

3.

Me currently. weight: 226 size 16/18

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” — John Pierpont Morgan

Plateau... If you are a person that is trying to lose weight or inches this word is one of the bad ones. Right up there with the F-word (fat). Well my lovelies that is the state in which I have found myself. So instead of hanging on to all that negativity. Getting down on myself about not losing. Fearing I will never get to my goals. I am proud of what I have done. I am going to be starting fresh! I am not forgetting it but just rebooting.

You know how it is. That morning when you wake up and make the life change. The time that it is for real. Not the two weeks you go full out and then hurt (hunger) so bad you quit. Nope the time you really do get the mind set. You are an unstoppable locomotive of health, fitness, and energy. Eager to share your excitement with others.Excited to get started on that journey to health. If you are like me the tarnish begins to settle when the weight stops dropping. You are over educated by all the scary things at the grocery store (Which you would once shove down your throat happily). Food is no longer your friend it is your enemy. You are looking down your nose at some foods and putting others on pedestals. Not only that but every minute you sit to relax, you think (or torture yourself) about how you should be doing something else. 

"I could be squatting now"

"When I stop at this next red light I will squeeze my glutes"

"Iced tea and salad is all I need"

These are not bad things. It is good to stay active but there has to be balance. Balance is a hard thing to find. In our image crazed world we want to eliminate, go to extremes, and deprive because that is what THEY do. It does come to a point though where your life is ruled by this. It is an obsession and fighting it gets exhausting. So I am starting over at square one. Yes I have a learning curve. I teach fitness classes and the like, I know what is healthy and what is not. But I am done going crazy over it. I am going to find Balance. So here is my fresh start... Of which there might be several. 

Oh yes I am insane for doing this at holiday time (and birthday time at our house). However, I have a few weapons in my arsenal to make it just a touch easier.
   1. I am making Thanksgiving dinner! 
   2. As tempting as some foods look I will be practicing self control. (one bacon wrapped smokey... Not all of them)
   3. I am going to get angry at the holidays! You wanna make me fat????  Bring it on bitch! I will cut you!
   4. Make it about the time spent with family. Not the food I will eat. 

So consider the slate clean and here goes the freshest start.

So here it goes. *Gulp*

Pounds lost: 0

Starting weight: 226.6

Let's do this!

So far so good!

 You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted. 

-Ruth E. Renkl

So Alright,

It has been almost 2 years since my last blog. I guess one could easily say that life happens and for me change was a big part of that.

So instead of a monumental amount of apologies and excuses I will simply say "Shit Happens". Plus I already said sorry ;)

A few things that I have learned in this time away is that; Nothing comes easily without work and dedication, and that Cake is the devil!!!

So moving on. I am going to start on a new wagon and will with great hope not fall from it. Maybe, bump off a few times to sight see. However no plummeting off and leaving an indent on the ground from my ever growing ass. That sounds negative but really it is all in humor.

I am no longer in Mississippi which has its good and bad points. As I have mentioned I was very upset and miss my gym ladies. Towards the end I was shaking it with the best of them and have developed a sincere love for Zumba and all things exercise.

As I said in a previous post I am making my living (well besides Sugar Daddy) with working out! The sweat still pours and the face still has that crimson glow but now I am the teacher (insert maniacal laugh). I am in deep heart with my new gym and only wish I could attend more often. With the hubs new less than stable schedule it is hard to get there, without considerable teeth pulling.

So where did I move? Well first of all hubs is now a recruiter and I had a few months of city living wet dreams when we received District Chicago. I imagined living in a hip downtown area wheeling my stroller onto public transit and having endless things to do. I was going to be so hip! Strolling my skinny jean clad derriere down Michigan ave. Giving the bird to Starbucks because I found the chic bistro to sip at. Having my finger on the pulse instead of being five years behind.

 Let's just say big mama Navy had other ideas. You see a district contains numerous stations all around Chicago as far north as Marquette MI and as far east as Valparaiso IN. When I first heard we were moving to MS four years ago I cried, then cried, then wept, then cried. I had the stereo type of overalls and banjos dancing in my head, My brother starting to become attractive in a whole new way (shame on me for believing the old cliches).

So even though we made our wish list, checked it twice we got our orders this past June and...(drum roll please) Merrillville IN. My first response was "where the hell is that"? Then we proceeded with the research and learned a few things. Besides that there is a heck of a lot of corn!

a. It is part of NWI (or northwest indiana) as the cool kids call it.
b. Still in central time (yea Adult Swim cartoons!!)
c. Finding a rental proved exceptionally difficult (I was about to collect refrigerator boxes and staple them together).
d. It is not so bad!

So far we have been beyond lucky with things falling into place. I have a job as a trainer and am working on more certifications. Aaron likes his work besides the crazy ass hours. I have made some friends and have a couple of good mom groups to attend. Things are really on their way to be settled.

It may take awhile to ween myself from my relationship with my GPS (her name is Sylvie), but things are rolling along. So that is a little back story and there will be more I am sure with blogs to come.

Panic at the Disco!

“Shall we never never get rid of this Past? ... It lies upon the Present like a giant's dead body.” 
― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of the Seven Gables

Cripes! If it isn't one thing it is another. So during my last two years of absence I have been doing well with exercise and moderately well with diet. However there is a third to the menage a trois of change and that is getting my anxiety under control.

Having anxiety is a never ending thrill ride of emotions. Not a fun ride either, it's the one where you see a screw or something come loose or fall just as you ascend the hill. The only response to it is "Shit, what do I do now?"

My struggle with it really came to a head a few months ago. I had all the makings of a bad country song in my favor.
a. Husband gone
b. car broke down
c. house nearly broken into.

I truly thought I was headed to a padded cell. I was even determining what kind of lunatic I should be. Hannibal Lecter (quiet scary as hell), Screeching loony, or go all out feces art on the wall bat shit crazy? I had my choice, since I was positive that I was about break down entirely. I was like a size S thong trying to hold it together on a wide load ass. I was stretched so thin. The camel was wincing in the sight of the last straw.

I'd like to come round and say I triumphed over it and had a come to Jesus moment but alas such is not the case. I am still in a wrestling match with my own mind and lately I am feeling rather frail. The padded room doesn't sound so bad some days.

Really I am so lucky for my workplace and the support I get from the other trainers. Even the clients are super supportive and it makes work an escape from the day to day. In fact my gym in Mississippi was much the same. It was the only place I shed tears about leaving.


So I just needed to get that out there. It is my usual rambling and blather. I guess I am saying that If you are not balanced with mind, body, and spirit you have a leaded weight attached to your goals. Anxiety is my anchor but I am getting stronger by the day, and will be able to carry it until I can throw the bastard overboard.

Hungry eyes.

Alright I get it, it has been two stinking years. A lot has changed and I mean A lot! Not only have I lost nearly seventy five pounds but (pause for effect) I am teaching fitness classes!!!

That's right the same chick who puked, lost her pants and was out ass-shaked by the elderly, is now being paid to exercise. Pretty insane, and no I would have never guessed it. Yes I have struggles still and another fifty to lose. Large and in charge that I was.

Stats: I know you want them!!!

Starting weight: 302.7lbs (fudgicles that is a big'n)

Current: 226.6lbs (Steaming along)

I just wanted to get the update out there and let you know I am still breathing! More to come. I will try not to fall off the face of the earth again.