Panic at the Disco!

“Shall we never never get rid of this Past? ... It lies upon the Present like a giant's dead body.” 
― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of the Seven Gables

Cripes! If it isn't one thing it is another. So during my last two years of absence I have been doing well with exercise and moderately well with diet. However there is a third to the menage a trois of change and that is getting my anxiety under control.

Having anxiety is a never ending thrill ride of emotions. Not a fun ride either, it's the one where you see a screw or something come loose or fall just as you ascend the hill. The only response to it is "Shit, what do I do now?"

My struggle with it really came to a head a few months ago. I had all the makings of a bad country song in my favor.
a. Husband gone
b. car broke down
c. house nearly broken into.

I truly thought I was headed to a padded cell. I was even determining what kind of lunatic I should be. Hannibal Lecter (quiet scary as hell), Screeching loony, or go all out feces art on the wall bat shit crazy? I had my choice, since I was positive that I was about break down entirely. I was like a size S thong trying to hold it together on a wide load ass. I was stretched so thin. The camel was wincing in the sight of the last straw.

I'd like to come round and say I triumphed over it and had a come to Jesus moment but alas such is not the case. I am still in a wrestling match with my own mind and lately I am feeling rather frail. The padded room doesn't sound so bad some days.

Really I am so lucky for my workplace and the support I get from the other trainers. Even the clients are super supportive and it makes work an escape from the day to day. In fact my gym in Mississippi was much the same. It was the only place I shed tears about leaving.


So I just needed to get that out there. It is my usual rambling and blather. I guess I am saying that If you are not balanced with mind, body, and spirit you have a leaded weight attached to your goals. Anxiety is my anchor but I am getting stronger by the day, and will be able to carry it until I can throw the bastard overboard.