The sound and the fury!

Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body.  

~Irene Claremont de Castillejo

 Man is the sole animal whose nudity offends his own companions, and the only one who, in his natural actions, withdraws and hides himself from his own kind.  

~Montaigne

So it was nap time the other day and I was perusing facebook in between other household duties. When I stumbled upon a status update that made me nearly spit out my decaf. After I stopped trying to catch my breath from laughing. Which I did so hard I nearly wet myself. I realized how much I could relate to the post.  Summing it up it went a little like this:

"If you are going to pass gas in the middle of a quiet pilates class don't expect me not to laugh"

I love this friend of mine more than words can express since she and I are cut from the same cloth. This could be a post I would write myself and due to some of the ladies in my gym classes it could become a reality at anytime. Let's face it I am in the south and all that seafood, red beans and rice, gumbo and all the other gastronomically unfriendly food is bound to show it's face someday. I don't care how low calorie, fat free, or carb healthy you make these dishes they are producers of floating phantasms du reek.  My terror is that it will happen and the humiliating part will be my reaction.

Due to a recent nominal injury caused by my ever lacking amount of grace. I was told to lay off my heavy duty Zumba in favor of things like Pilates or Yoga. The only problem with that is that you get very, very, very relaxed. A professor of mine was musing one day about how she was banned from a class such as this because of her non-stop snickering at the frequent releases of air. Not only were they relieving stress they were also taking care of other "pent up" issues. My fear is that in that in this moment of relaxation a slimy surfer could emerge causing my true identity to show its uncouth face. 

Lets face facts we strive for a bit anonymity when we work out. We have no make-up, we are sweating, and at the end of the work out we are pretty damn gross. So none of these people know me besides the occasional casual conversation in passing. I do not need to be known as that crazy chick who went hysterical over in Yoga class. I would never show my face again. End of story.

So despite the obvious hilarity of someone ripping ass in the middle of a class I can't help but worry this could really happen. I have to let you understand that I am a teenage boy with my sense of humor. If I haven't already made that clear. Dick and fart jokes get me giggling to the point of pain. The other day I was in a very quiet situation when my son expelled the most raucously foul air biscuit he has done to date. It was all I could do not to pass out from trying to hold the laughs in. So needless to say that if this happened during a downward dog in yoga I might fall out! I am literally writing this and chuckling, I am depressingly immature with my humor... I know.

The reason it worries me some is that I attempt to come off as a somewhat mature and together person. My verbal vomit aside I can at times pull it off. However an explosion of bodily proportion could blow my cover. So please dear ladies of the gym don't make me fall into a heap of red face laughter because you said "pass the beans" one too many times. Let me keep my dignity. I don't want to go to gym detention... Otherwise known as the treadmill. 

On a side note I apologize for my absence. My littles and myself were sick, then I was hurt and then the dog ate my homework. I will work harder to get back into the swing. Not hard to do when you are telling yourself "I am glad to be me" and then you say "Ewwww...". 

Since I am a complete Anglophile a little of one of  my favorite shows.

Cake or Death!

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.  Coincidence?  I think not! 

~Author Unknown

If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept, chocolate will revive you.  But you have no chocolate!  I think of that again and again!  My dear, how will you ever manage?  

~Marquise de Sévigné

So I was taken down a notch last week. After convincing myself that taking the time to get a flu shot was pointless and too time consuming. Since typically I don't get sick. Well good old karma stepped in and you can guess what I was doing last week. Ding, ding, ding, I was enjoying a fabulous week of chills, aches, pains, and fever (and not the good Peggy Lee kind). So I was derailed from an excellent streak of wellness and healthy living. Oh well it is over now so let's move on. Onto a different topic.


This week kids we are going to talk about temptation. Not about fighting it but succumbing to it. I had an instance of severe temptation against one of my greatest foes last week. They are those sexiest of little desserts called cupcakes. Those little marvels can get me to roll over and beg better than most anything. They are the perfect tiny number of goodness. A small few bites of cake with a little less guilt... If you can manage to only eat one. That is where our story begins.


So there we were, the littles and I were invited to a lovely princess birthday and we were there in full regalia. The crown, scepter and gown the whole bit. So we arrive and the girls are graciously given their treats and they dove right into the pink perfection. While they enjoyed their dessert I felt myself getting a little hot under the collar. Who could I hand this damn baby too so I could get my sweaty little palms on one of those sweet little confections??? I scoped the surrounding area and quickly found someone more than happy to take my little. That way like a ninja assassin I could ascend on the unsuspecting frosted friends and devour them before they saw me coming. 


I wish I could say that that was the end of it. I had my one delicious morsel and I was satisfied. It was not though. Like a crazy crack head I took not one but two more of the cupcakes and unhinged my jaw and stuffed it down my throat. OH THE CARNAGE!!! They didn't stand a chance. I was crazy eyed. Like a maniacal killer I ripped them apart and savored every little crumb. One of my littles approached during the massacre and asked if we could split one and despite me telling them all the time to share I said "No, this is mine". At least it came out calmly when in my head it sounded more like a crazed Renfield. 


When the heat of the moment was over I wiped my mouth and felt unabashedly pleased with myself. Then the guilt set in... The subconscious sugar monster had won and I had yet again knocked over my good meaning conscious in favor of the beast. Here's the deal. I like healthy food I really and truly do, but I have my pitfalls as well. One happens to obviously be cupcakes. I really can't help it so I tend to stay away from them. However, when I am in a birthday celebration scenario I feel obligated to eat them. Sometimes I go overboard and hoover too many. Such was the case this time.


I really am trying folks and that is all I can say. I don't want to be fluffy anymore but sometimes my inner scooter rider comes out and demands confections. I battle that person everyday. I remind myself that I want to be able to zip my jeans. I remind myself that for every time I derail that that is just that much more work I have to do to get back on track.  I write it here so that I can tell myself that shit happens and I can go forward. 


So if you see me at a birthday party and you notice that look of desire in my eye. No I am not scoping someone out, I am eying those tasty treats. Please feel free to hit me with a rolled up newspaper and say "Down, down bad girl!!".  I will have slip ups again but this one was downright bawdy! So to the mom of the child whom was so gracious to invite us I am sorry. At least now you have a few less leftovers to tempt you. They went down nicely and are now happily nestled in my ass.

Sick or not I feel all shiny!

The greatest mistake in the treatment of diseases is that there are physicians for the body and physicians for the soul, although the two cannot be separated. 

~Plato

It is a wise mans part, rather to avoid sickness, than to wishe for medicines.  

~Thomas More, Utopia [sic]

So even though I was run over by a Mack truck called Allergies this week I am still in a wonderful mood. Extremely stuffy and sneezy but still in a great frame of mind. I love those days when you wake up and it just seems like unicorns, puppies and rainbows are flying from your derrière.  My head may be in a vice and I am not on good terms with sleep but I am in a throwing confetti disposition! 

So despite being behind on a few workouts I can't help but feel great about my journey today. I have this incredibly weird feeling that the fat on my body is loosing its grip on me. I feel this thin person building up on the inside. There is muscle growing and it will soon start burning this fluff away. I don't know how else to describe it. The flub is detaching. Making way for a leaner healthier body, which just causes me to feel all hallmark and such.  

I am not the only one feeling the effects of these healthy changes either. My littles are starting to be better eaters. They are asking for better choices. It was a triumph the other night when I made a new veggie dish and both of my older kids scarfed it down and asked for seconds. They also want to go for walks and are spending less time being drones begging for T.V. So I am wearing a happy mommy badge about that.

So all I can say is that even though I have felt like death physically the past few days. I am in a great place mentally. Having a non-pessimistic outlook is a relatively new thing for me. I like to play the part of the "funny" friend that makes jokes about myself and I am usually everyone else's best cheerleader. However I am my own worse critic. Now I am learning to boost myself up. Be less cynical (that is really hard for me!). So what if I haven't gotten to go to the gym the past couple days. I will return because I know I am in a routine now. Exercising is actually a part of my life. Not something I am just schlepping into the schedule. I am making real life changes that are sticking. It takes time but my goals will come around as long as I stay rallied.

It will take time to get this fat suit off, but it is happening. It really is. Every little effort will show its effectiveness. At some point in the future when I look back I am going to say "Wow I did this".

I am just a regular old gooey pile of unicorn poo and couldn't be happier about it. So big sloppy disgusting kisses to all of you and get off your butt and shimmy the jiggly bits away!

and just so we all know we can have it worse one of my favorite movie scenes ever! I have a pretty awful obsession with Monty Python so courage kids and endure.

If you give a mom a cookie...

Ice cream is exquisite.  What a pity it isn't illegal.  

~Voltaire

Whipped cream isn't whipped cream at all unless it's been whipped with whips. Just as a poached egg isn't a poached egg unless it's been stolen from the woods in the dead of night!  

~Roald Dahl, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I am having what my oldest little would call a "whiny butt" evening. All I want is to have the hubs home so that I might enjoy a quiet (quasi quiet) evening to myself. Perhaps a bath and a good book. A book? What's a book you mean something that doesn't contain picture, rhyme, pop-ups, and lasts longer than ten pages. I've never heard of such a thing. Anyways I am just a tad worn but marching on day by day.

So I was pretty down yesterday evening and no matter how much I told myself that I was glad I was me. I still wanted something to sweeten that deal. Something sugary, something delectable and for those of us on a diet... forbidden. 

I have found that with eating right when the urge to indulge comes it is not a soft whimper. It is instead a symphony of desire, a rapture of temptation that will not shut up until fulfilled. That was the case last evening. I usually try to be good and have a cup of hot cocoa with a little reddi-whip. Well that was not going to do the trick. So I looked in my pantry to see what was on hand. Well nothing ready. I muttered an obscenity and called myself a one of those health nut bitches. Until I saw sulking in the back of the cupboard. All alone and as if calling me to show it some love, a little bag of butterscotch chip. "Hello" I cooed and cradled it as I walked it into the kitchen and thought how best to use my new found treasure. I am proud to say that I didn't just hoover the chips on there own. No, I had some restraint. I was going to treat this prize like a lady and show a little finesse.

So I made cookies, not just any cookies I made my grandmothers oatmeal cookies. Which my hubs so lovingly calls "Crack" cookies. Since once you eat one you usually don't stop until you wake up the next morning not knowing where you are. All you know is that you just gotta get your next fix. So as I waited for the little morsels to bake I consciously tried to talk myself out of eating them, "Don't do it", "You are going to undo all your hard work", "You can give these away instead of eating them". Well I pretty much told my conscious to go fuck his Jiminy Cricket self and I was gonna eat some damn cookies!!!  No, not my proudest moment. 

Well it happened just like I knew it would. I ate more than the recommended amount and the inevitable happened. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had had a one night stand with Jabba the Hut. Yep, I hated myself just a little bit more. Telling myself "I am glad to be me" is a little hard through gritted teeth. Especially trying to mean it. Not to mention that after I said it I felt like I got punched in the guts. 

So I slipped a little, but I am owning up to it. The thing is I know it won't be the last time either. I am an emotional eater and when I am feeling down a little sweet snack gives me this blanket of comfort that I don't get while I am on my own. So no I am not proud of this misstep but I won't punish myself for it either. I have my new "Ripped" class to do that. 

 

Rays of sunshine are flying out of my butt!

Discipline is remembering what you want.  

~David Campbell

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day your life really begins.  

~Bob Moawad

So I am obsessed OBSESSED with this new show I discovered by accident on OWN. It is called "Supersized Vs. Superskinny" well the premise is this. You take a dangerously thin person and a dangerously large person and swap their diets for a week. The whole process is overseen by a doctor so that no real harm besides some rumbly tummies will occur. Sound simple? Not when you actually see how little or how much these people are eating! For example on last nights episode it was Charlotte vs. Heather. Charlotte a skimpy eight-seven pound waif was eating only eight hundred calories a day, while her counterpart Heather who is weighing in at two hundred and eighty pounds is eating forty-one hundred calories a day! Now imagine having to switch and stick to that diet for a week. Well that is what the show is trying to do, show the bag o' bones that eating more won't hurt them and showing the orca that eating less won't kill them either. So after doing the diet for a week the two opposites part ways with healthy eating plans and meet again in three months to see how much the new lifestyle has changed them.

I think what I love the most is how tortured each side seems during the week on the swapped diet. The scarecrows are gagging and feeling ill trying to accommodate the vast quantities of food. While the tubbos are thinking about eating the person across the table since they are actually learning what hunger is. Not to mention that the show is broken up (in true British fashion) with shows within shows exploring other facets of diets and exercise trends.

So why am I rambling on and on about a silly show. Well my friends I have gained some perspective. No one is truly happy with their body no matter what. Even if you are skinny as can be or larger than life there is something that irks you about yourself. This is so depressing! I am putting my foot down and going to attempt something every morning to do and I want all of you to do it too. Each morning when you first catch sight of yourself in the mirror, and I don't care if you feel gross, have greasy hair, mascara from yesterday, or are even rocking some death breath. I want you to look at yourself and say "I am glad I am me". Immediately following you can say fuck you amazing shrinking mommy but at least we are starting the day liking ourselves. It will be hard I know! There is nothing like waking up with spit up from a nighttime feeding on your shirt, my hair plastered to one side of my head and my boobs saluting my knees, but you know what I am glad I am me!

So I am going to do this everyday. Every single damn day until I believe it! I really want to set a positive example for my littles. Let's face it we are bringing up kids in a very self loathing society and it is up to us to change that! I know we cannot censor what our kids see but we can give them the best example ever! Parents that love themselves for every little flaw they have.

Sorry for the soap box post but my eyes were opened and I am going to really try and make myself my biggest fan.

I am glad to be me!

Stay optimistic!

We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking.  

~Steve Elbert

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.   

~Channing Pollock

OK confession time, I am at the point where I am becoming quite discouraged. I have been exercising regularly and eating healthy for about two months minus a week when the littles were sick. So I was hoping to see a little difference by now. I wasn't expecting much but I was hoping to notice a little something. So I am not weighing myself regularly since your weight can fluctuate so much but I do check in once in awhile. It is always first thing in the morning with nothing on. So I checked in this morning and was down all of six pounds. What the hell?

Now I am trying to tell myself that I am probably gaining muscle which weighs more than fat (blah blah blah), but lets be honest that is a hard pill to swallow. As for the eating I am eating a little all day but have to keep up my caloric intake since I am nursing. I drink at least sixty-four ounces of water a day along with milk and the occasional soda (diet caffeine free). I officially know where every clean bathroom is withing a twenty mile radius of my home. My snacks consist of granola, almonds or a small bowl of oatmeal. My actual meals are healthy and I am actually sticking to the portion size label on the box. Where am I going wrong?

I am working out five days a week an hour at a time. Alternating Zumba and Aerobic classes. Ugh I am just frustrated. I think I am on an anxiety roller coaster since I will be getting measured by my trainer on October ninth. I just want to see this flub diminishing. It is so hard when you are trying to do it the right way! I tell many of my other girlfriends that it takes time and all the results will come... When in my mind I am thinking hurry the FUCK up already!! I want to look hot when my hubby comes home! A bit hypocritical, no?

So I am going to trudge forward and continue to work my butt off (figuratively, and realistically) . So I am calling on my inner Braveheart to give me a heroic speech to rally my fluffy self to go on. Perhaps some blue war paint and a kilt are in order?

You can take my snacks but you can never take my PERSEVERANCE! 

I am also keeping my mind off the fact that dear Mel has gone out of his fruity mind and think about him when he was one of the few celebrities that seemed sane. Yes the shiny syndrome has struck again. So speaking of eating I am off to eat my delicious tuna salad (sans mayo) with celery. Jealous? I know you are...

and now for a little pick me up. Who can cheer you up better than Drag Queens? No one that's who.

Bring out your dead!

Physical ills are the taxes laid upon this wretched life; some are taxed higher, and some lower, but all pay something. 

~Lord Chesterfield

week 4: One step class and then the sickies arrived.

I apologize in advance for the lack of focus in this writing as I am streaming from a point of complete exhaustion. I have had the week from hell, and there was no hubs to be around to enjoy it with me. It was like the devil himself had me across his lap and was lashing my ass with a thick switch. Wow that sounded perverted but was not intended to be.

So the week started like any other I got the littles up and off to school and I was to the gym for my step class. I went to get the wee ones from child care when a feeling of dread washed over me. I saw it. The one thing that can turn any busy mommy white and send a shudder right down our spines. Oh the horror my daughter had a disgusting line of snot parading out her nose. Not the normal day to day mucus which we wipe and forget about. Oh no this was the kind you know means business with the worst kind of malice.  As soon as we got home I started to push the fluids and vitamins C, perhaps I could cut it off at the pass? It wasn't until I picked my eldest up from school that I realized a little black cloud had decided to nest over our house. 

Flash forward five days and we have all survived... mostly. The eldest got it first and was so kind to pass it to her siblings with lightening finesse. So after two trips to the doctor four nights of little to no sleep (for yours truly) and a countless amount of coughs and tears. We are still kicking. The baby is still getting over it but should be back to his happy drooling self in a day or two. I might take a week to get back up to speed.  Let's just say I was looking for encouragement from my Dove chocolate wrappers. 

"Be yourself and smile" FUCK YOU wrapper you don't know the week I had. Go shove your good will up your delicious ass! Whoops, sorry it has been one of those days. I am so apologetic to you sweet chocolate goodness. Take me back and I promise I won't be mean anymore... Yea its been bad.

So my journey of health was derailed this week and I was made aware of something. I really missed my gym time. I mean it too! I can't wait to get back into the swing and get my hour of "me" time back. I was so pleasantly surprised by this discovery. I am actually changing for the better!  So I am ending it there and hope to have better news for the week ahead!

Needless to say I fell back into the arms of my lover (couch) but we will be parting ways this week... Once again. It was probably him that sent this plague upon my house to have me running back to his squishy coziness. That vile, evil, plotting, deceiving piece of furniture. Davenport though art my foe!